One of the sections in Chapter 6 in our textbook that I
found most interesting this week was the section on “The Retreat from Intimacy”. Having been through a divorce, I could really
identify with the various stages. I
think the differentiating stage slowly happened over time, and especially after
we had kids. It stopped being “we” and
became “you” and “me”. We really started
to live separate lives under the same roof.
In the circumscribing stage, we would disagree and then not talk about
why we disagreed because we were just tired of fighting. This of course led to the stagnating stage
where we ended up with one person sleeping on the couch and the other in the
bedroom and only speaking when necessary.
By the time we reached the avoiding stage, we were taking separate
vacations without even asking each other permission. And of course, at the termination stage we
separated and later filed for divorced, realizing the relationship had
completely dissolved and was not repairable.
I have gone thru a similar stage with a friend recently, and went
through most of these same stages.
However, we never reached the terminating stage and were able to come
back together again and reconcile. I
couldn’t be happier!
As I am reading this, and also after reading it in the chapter, I can't help it but to compare some traits and make sure that I am not falling under any of those categories. I agree with you, that it becomes harder to stay as a "we" instead of a "you" and "me" once you have children, and its hard to work on marriage, because we have kids to care for.
ReplyDeleteHey Missy,
ReplyDeleteI wrote about this concept as well. I felt some of the stages did pose into ending a relationship, while others did not come into place. I didn't ever see an avoidance with my partner, instead it was more the avoidance was the break up. I think it is different for every relationship, based upon if it's highschool dating or a serious marriage with children. The stages may differ due to children, or another person (lover) coming into place.
Wow you gave some great insight to your own personal experiences and it really allowed me to understand each stag better. Each stage is so difficult, and the hardest of all things in relationships is keeping two people as a we and keeping everyone on the same page. I think that is the reason it is harder to stay a we, than a you, because it is so difficult to understand how eachother acts thinks feels etc. Relationships are so difficult.
ReplyDelete