Dysfunctional Patterns

Of the three patterns in role relations described in the textbook, I think that competitive symmetry would be the most difficult to change.  People who are competitive or fight for the one- up position have a hard time stepping down from this role.  Anything less than “winning” feels like a failure and defeat.  I think the stress would definitely put a strain on the relationship and both parties could start to harbor resentment.  I think the pattern that is most damaging to a relationship as well as the self-esteem of the individuals involved is the rigid complementary pattern.  This gives one person control in the relationship or the “advantage” so to speak, while the other person is submissive and harbors resentment and fear.  I think this pattern is typical in many abusive relationships.  Often one partner seems to have control over the other, and the opposite partner is submissive out of fear and withdraws and becomes dissatisfied with the relationship.

Effort-Optimism

One of the concepts I loved and identified with most was effort-optimism, the belief that hard work will pay off.  I live my life by this concept and instill this value in my children.  Nothing has been easy for me in life or handed to me and I have worked really hard to provide for myself and my children.  I don’t come from a family of money or of any significant social status and grew up middle class.  My reward, or payoff so to speak, is seeing that my kids take nothing for granted, do not expect to get everything they get and even try to pay for most things with their own money they earned or got for their birthday.  They are surrounded by classmates who have iPads or the latest cell phones, drive fancy cars or get money from their parents whenever they want something.  My kids have never asked for these things, and when they do want something we put a plan into action on how to achieve that goal.

Premises

I absolutely believe in the rationality, perfectibility and mutability premises.  I believe that we are all capable of making decisions, resolving conflict and solving problems through logical thinking and good decision making.  I believe that there is good in most people and it is possible to do good unto others and maintain moral integrity, even when we are challenged.  I am an optimist and believe that anything is possible if you put your mind to it and are willing to do the work.  And that anyone is capable of change but you have to be willing to put forth the effort.  I agree wholeheartedly with the mutability premise.  If something is broken, fix it.  If something isn’t working in your life, make the changes necessary to improve your life.  I believe the key to ultimate happiness is loving oneself on the inside and the outside.

One of the first institutions that comes to mind that practices these premises is the church.  The church teaches us to love they neighbor, forgive our sins and the sins of others and to practice doing right by your God and your fellow man.

Creatures Of Our Culture

I would definitely agree with Ruth Benedict that we are “creatures of our culture”.  For me personally I was raised with a certain set of beliefs and values that were instilled in me by my parents.  As I have grown into an adult and am now raising my own children, my beliefs and values are shaped and changed by my own children and the people that I surround myself by   I most often identify and surround myself with people who share the same culture as me:  single parents who work to jobs or go to school and whose lives revolve around raising their kids and providing for them.  I think we can break through this pattern by embracing those who differ from us.  By spending time with them and learning their culture and their beliefs.  I believe we have something to learn from everyone we meet.  It’s what you choose to do with what you learn.  You can either learn it and move on or you can apply it to your own life and make changes.

Too Close For Comfort

The reading I found most interesting this week in Chapter 6 was Table 5.3, “Interaction Zones for Most Americans”.  It made me laugh because I am very big on personal space and people getting too close when talking.  I definitely save Intimate Distance for close loved ones and prefer Personal Distance when engaging in most conversations.  I think Social Distance is especially important in professional situations at the workplace.  Often I get people who use Intimate Distance in the workplace and I feel very uncomfortable!  Obviously public distance is for larger scale audiences, which I often encounter at concerts I go to.  I wouldn’t mind having more of a Personal Distance eye view though!   I also enjoyed learning about crowding, when your personal space is invaded.  It really defined how I feel when people get to close that I don’t know well.  I feel the anxiety and claustrophobia and desperately look for an escape route.  I probably use Body Blocking as well to avoid any physical contact between this person!

Mixed Messages

One nonverbal display that means different things in different cultures is the “thumbs up”.  In the United States and other Western culture it signifies a job well done, in Latin America and West Africa and other regions it is equivalent to giving someone the middle finger.  Another display would be putting your hand on your hips.  In most cultures this is a sign of boredom or not knowing where to put one’s hands.  In Mexico it is a sign of hostility and could lead to a fight.  At my current job, 99% of our employees are Indian.  While I have only been there for a few months and am not aware of any nonverbal communication that has different meaning than ours, I have come across an expression that is used often.  When exchanging emails, sometimes I get an email with the closing line “Please do the needful”.  I had never heard this expression before and was not sure if I should be offended or if this was typical of the culture.  I soon found out it was just a way of summarizing the email and requesting me to take action on items that needed to be addressed.

Improving Nonverbal Messages

I am often the sender of unintended nonverbal messages.  At times I can be very quiet, mostly because I am shy around new people and also because I am an introvert and prefer to silently observe instead of be the center of attention.  What I didn’t know about myself is that I don’t always have a smile on my face and if I am focused on a project or thinking about something I will be very quiet and aloof and frown a lot.  I’ve found professionally that this has been interpreted as me being standoffish or that I think I am better than others.  After receiving this feedback, I started making a conscious effort to look people in the eye, smile and greet them.  It’s amazing the different response you get from people.  I find that when I don’t, I often get asked what is wrong.  I think the nonverbal communication between myself and other people can be changed both ways.  I can continue to focus on acknowledging people with a smile and making eye contact, and instead of making assumptions about me when I am quiet, I think people could check in and just ask how I am doing.